35yo Single Female
Let’s examine each symptom of being a 35 year-old, single female, one by one:
1) You become hyper aware of your mortality.
2) You become horny as fuck.
3) You cry. A Lot.
You become hyper aware of your mortality.
I’m probably going to die writing this. I mean I am sitting outside, which increases my chances of death. A bird could fly into my head, causing a severe brain bleed. A car could crash into the patio that I am sitting on and wipe me out. There is a baby running around, when as they fall onto the ground, I will dive to save them and crack my head open, and… dead.
I almost didn’t get onto a plane last week because I was convinced it was my time to die. I boarded the plane, trying to be at peace with my fate. As we were at cruising altitude, I took out my laptop. I had to wipe my search history, which consisted of phrases like “can you have sex on a yeast infection,” “escort services where you don’t want to have sex, but you want a date to a wedding like that Debra Messing movie,” and “ice cream delivery services near me”. Naturally, I couldn’t get my computer to connect to GoGo Inflight, so I was going to die with very little dignity.
I have a cold right now, which seems like just a cold. Cancer can seem like a cold. AIDS can seem like a cold. Cat scratch fever can seem like a cold. Tuberculosis can seem like a cold. Syphilis can seem like a cold. Any of the hepatis-es can seem like a cold. When people died unexpectedly, their friends and family always say, “I thought she just had a cold”. I don’t have a will, so here’s how it breaks down: Life insurance goes to Jeremy Hull. Some of that money should be used to erect a statue in my honor. I don’t own my car or my iPhone X, but don’t let the bank take them away. And for the love, someone wipe my search history. Computer passcode can be found in the top drawer of my dresser.
At 35, you are a ticking time bomb.
You become horny as fuck.
The horniness is real. Maybe it’s because I don’t get it on the reg. I know that I have another ten years until my sexual prime, but damn… GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW, ALL THE TIME.
I think about sex as much as a 13 year old boy. Wait, is that too young? Should I go with 16? I was only a 13-year-old girl once. I thought about sex a lot then. I was Catholic, and it was forbidden, so you know... I thought about it non-stop.
I find myself taking masturbation breaks at work. We have a bathroom in the basement that no one really uses, so that’s my MS… masturbation spot. However, sometimes it’s hard to really get into moment in the cold, sterile bathroom. So I have to fake it with myself. But hey, at least I gave it the ole' college try.
I am too afraid to watch porn. I have watched one porno all the way through. It was in college – Edward Penis Hands. Is “Penis Hands” one word or two? I just looked it up and it’s one: “Penishands”. *Reminder: Clear search history.* It should be noted that Edward Penishands did not have ten tiny penises, each hand was one large penis for ya know… double penetration. HORRIFYING.
I recently looked up porn for two reasons: a pilot I was writing and well and to see if I could find something I was into. I don’t know if you have looked up internet porn lately, but it’s HORRIFYING. I prefer to illegally download Fifty Shades Freed on my home computer. I am into the Fifty Shades series because it gives me hope that one-day, in the very distant future, but husband will love that I just lay there “submissively” and do nothing during sex.
All this talk about sex is making me blurry eyed. When I get horny, my eyes go blurry. That’s normal right?
You cry. A Lot.
I spent the weekend crying. I even cried at the series finale of Californication, which is in no way sad and I had seen it before. And why do I even care if Hank Moody gets a happy ending? Because we all love a man we can fix.
I spend most of my time crying about dying alone. You know what would remedy this problem? Leaving my house and dating. But that's so hard because I have so many things going on. I mean I need to re-watch Californication because I love Hank Moody so much.
I spend a lot of time crying because I'm worried about my future. What will become of me? Will I always write this little blog that no one will read? I mean this is blog post number two of the newly recommitted blogger named Toni Anita Hull - what am I not trending? HELLO? Is anyone reading this??? Who knows what will happen. We can only live each moment as our last. Seize the day. Dance like no one is watching. No day but today. But seriously, what lies ahead in this adult life of mine?
Things I have cried at recently:
- The finale of Californication
- The fact that I will die
- 90% of Parks and Rec episodes
- A text message from friend telling me that it's all ok
- A text message from a friend calling my out on my bullshit
- The pretty pink sky
- Half my closet not fitting me
- Finding my Sadness doll face down on the floor
- The thought of my brother dying
- The thought of Donald Trump
- Why some people have so little and others have a lot
- The fact that my parents are dead
- Other people's successes
- Every single proposal announcement on Facebook
- Every single baby announcement on Facebook
- Hillary Clinton losing the Presidential Election in 2016
- The fact that I may never meet Jon Hamm
- A bad poke bowl that made me sick
- When I thought I had Diet Coke in my house, but did not
My mom used to tell me to "save my tears for something important".
WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HANK MOODY AND KAREN FINALLY BEING TOGETHER FOREVER?