• Toni Anita Hull

A Year of “Ok, sure” (cue: the sweating and crying)

We’ve all read or heard of Shona’s Rhimes’ bestseller, The Year of Yes. She decides, that for a year, she will say yes to the things she is scared of… appearing on Kimmel, eating salad, giving a commencement speech… ya know, those every day decisions we all have to make. Truth be told, like so many things in my life, I didn’t finish the book. I even rented the audiobook from the library and didn’t finish it. I am guessing Shonda goes on a magnificent journey and triumphs at the end. You know what? I am going to go read the ending right now…

“Cristina Yang made me brave. I thank her for appearing out of the ether.

Finally, to anyone out there who has watched any one of my shows and enjoyed it – even one episode, event one time – I am beyond grateful. It means that, at least once, I did something right.”

That’s good, Shonda. That’s real good.

I am mildly inspired by this idea, and to be frank, I really need to change something. My days lately consist of the following: sleeping, eating, sobbing hysterically, working at my computer for a job I love but that doesn’t pay a livable wage, delivering food to strangers to make some extra money to supplement income from said job, staring at my phone waiting for deliveries to come in, figuring out how much money I ABSOLUTELY need to scrape by because said deliveries are not coming in, contemplating if I will ever amount to anything and will anyone every love me, which usually leads to said sobbing hysterically. So yeah, something really needs to change.

So, with my inkling to always say 'no', paired with my zero follow-through on anything, hiding out in my studio apartment with cans upon cans of Diet Dr. Pepper, here I am…. Vowing to say “Ok, sure” to life and its opportunities. “Ok, sure” is not only a ‘yes, and…’ to life, but it’s also a promise to follow through. If I say I’m gonna read every single Babysitter’s Club Book, then I better read every single Babysitter’s Club Book. If I say I’m gonna say “fuck it” and stop paying my credit card bills, I’m gonna throw up the bird to all of those harassing calls and letters. It's also a promise, to put myself out there.

My first “Ok, sure” moment is about saying ‘yes, and…’. So, the first horrifying thing that I have said yes to is participating in a field piece for Busy Tonight. Will I be on camera? Will I have to speak? What if they take one look at my short, chubby body and say…. “Um. No.”? Will Busy Phillips remember that time I nearly sat on her dress on the Universal Studios tram? I AM TERRIFIED. Nonetheless, I have said, “Ok, sure.”

I know I am not the first basic bitch to do this and write about this. But, I am really hoping that it will keep me accountable because I gots to change something. Change my mindset. Change my aura. Move my moons around... I gotta change because I think, deep down inside, I know that I deserve some kind of happiness. And so, here it goes.

And who knows, maybe I will finally watch all of the Marvel movies like I promised last year. I need more Hemsworth in my life, anywho.


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